La Chinita-American in Chile, Part I

It´s impossible to write an accurate account of my time in Chile without describing what it´s like to be walking around the streets of Chillán (and all of Latin America for that matter) as an Asian-American. I learned fast that though I´m a gringa since I´m North American and speak English, I am not at all received by Chileans the same way as the other volunteers, who are all white. Physically, they fulfill Chileans´assumptions of what a North American looks like: fair-skinned, blonde or light-color haired, and blue/green-eyed. I, on the other hand, obviously do not. While my friends get catcalled by men who are trying to impress them with their limited English skills (like with "Hello!" "How are you?" or "My name is Jorge!"), I get "Beijing!" (thank you Olympics) and the rare but nonetheless hurtful pretending-to-talk-in-Chinese-Nyaknyang-nonsense. The latter usually comes from huevones (assholes) that so apparently look like they have nothing going for them. As I´m passing by these people and their rude comments, I sometimes want to so badly yell HUEVÓN! I may be Beijing or whatever, but you, well CONCHA TU MADRE! I always manage to calm myself and be the better person and not let the negativity enter my realm. More frequently, when I would pass by men, they mutter "Chinita" or "China" under their breath. Well, OBVIO señor. I don´t go around saying "Chileno" now do I? I have to say though, I´m lucky that my roots are actually from China. They call all Asiatic-looking people here "Chino." I couldn´t imagine how much more annoyed I´d be if my family was from Japan, and everyone around here kept misplacing my ancestry.

Then there are situations in which I find myself in conversation with people, when finally approaches the looming question, "Where are you from?" I always hesitate with this question because I can just feel that they are expecting a response of an Asian country, and it´s always exhausting to correct their misunderstandings, quench their surprise, and explain how it is that I am actually from The United States. However, I have been very impressed by how infrequently people fail to believe my American nationality. I felt like it occurred much more often when I was in Nicaragua about 2 years ago. Most of the time, people smile and politely show their excitement over the fact that I have come from so far and that I am a native English speaker. I have met people who never express curiosity over the origins of my Asian facial features and instead, ask me all about what American society is like. Nevertheless, I find myself fuming every time someone someone blatantly highlights my Asian-ness. I even hate being looked at and stared at by people. One time, a flock of kids outside a school screamed at me and Edgar, after I greeted them with a pleasant Hello. Was I a freak to them? My self-consciousness has gotten so bad at times in which I just walk to school and back, staring straight-ahead with my ipod blasting, not daring to look at anyone around them, for fear they would notice that I was not Chilean and would stare or comment. I hate standing out.

And you know, regardless of how valid these defensive feelings are, I hate them. I don´t like how I get annoyed by these comments and immediately establish a defensive wall around my gentle compassionate insides. Then I get angry at Chileans, for being so ignorant, taking it all so personally. My first couple months here were so difficult as I was adjusting to standing out. I´m not one to like attention and prefer to blend in with the people in the back. There was a lot of anger, a lot of frustration, and a lot of cursing of Chileans for not friggin understanding the notion of an Asian-American. I started to miss my Bay Area bubble so much, where I was merely a wave in the sea of many Asians and no one stirred at the sight of me. I missed the ethnic diversity you could only find in the United States, where people (well most) understood the difference between a Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Filipino person. We may all somewhat look similar, but no, we are not all the same because we all come from different countries. We speak different languages. We have different cultures.

However, the exasperated tension that gripped my heart and prevented me from opening up to most Chileans in order "to protect me" eventually started to loosen, although slowly. Through much reflection, I asked myself why it bothered me so much that people made such comments, even despite how obviously inane they are. Why did it hurt me so when Chileans, upon discovering my Chinese heritage, pulled their eyes wide to slant them, even though they weren´t doing it in a mocking manner? My host dad´s girlfriend, who adores me by the way, has done this various times when she emphasizes her own Chinese roots and therefore her instant connection with me. Ridiculous, but really cute I have to say.

Why do I defensively flare up and immediately attack Chileans for what I deem as their cruel ignorance?

I started to realize that my reaction is a defense mechanism that I have acquired as an Asian-American living in America--persons of color utilize it to empower themselves against the white majority that attempt to shadow and ridicule them. Since Asians´arrival (and other immigrant groups) to America, they´ve had white Americans mock them, making fun of their language and the way they looked, rejecting them for their foreignness. And America 2008 still finds traces of this hateful racism from the past, still cringing at its prominent existence. Most of us have experienced a white American questioning our own American nationality or making fun of our facial features. We´re still seen as different and foreign to many Americans because we do not look Anglo-Saxon and instead possess features of the East. And so, we get mad and frustrated whenever our Americanness is ever questioned. It´s like doubting we belong in the country when America runs through our blood and is our home. Our heritage may derive from other parts of the world, but most of us haven´t even visited the motherland or speak the mother tongue very well, truth be told. It´s not something to brag about no doubt, but how dare a person displace us from the soil of our birth. Thus, we throw up our arms, of words, of legal documents, of empowerment parades and such to defend our rights and our identity as Americans.

And that´s what I find myself doing here, which I´ve come to realize is not at all appropriate since I´m in a completely different culture with a completely different history. Chile is in fact familiar with the Asian race since many Chinese people have immigrated here to establish small businesses, as they have done in many parts of the Americas and the world. Pockets of Korean communities are also present in the country. However, there is no Asian America as there is in the States. The population of Asians here is tiny, and yeah, the truth is, most of the Chinese and Korean people that live in Chile did in fact immigrate from China and Korea, respectively. That serves me a big fact, no wonder why they so strongly assume my country of origin lies to the East. And in regards to the passing comments, the slanting of the eyes, etc., I´ve realized they really mean no harm. When they call me "chinita," they do so affectionately and not to make fun of my Chinese roots. It is true they are ignorant, but not in a malicious way. This culture is one that openly acknowledges a person´s particular physical feature, absolutely meaning no harm by it. Chileans who look somewhat Asian (all in the eyes of course) are nick-named"Chino." Fat people are nicknamed "Gordo" or the more affectionate, "Gordito." Darker-skinned people are nicknamed "Negro." More than anything, it is said out of comraderie, out of dear affection for a person when they dub the nickname on a person. They are by no means making fun of the person.

For most, it is outside their realm of knowledge to understand the reality of an Asian-looking person born in North America. Their reference to life in the United States comes from American shows that get broadcasted on Chilean TV stations, such as House, Nip-Tuck, America´s Next Top Model, as well as a lot of American movies, like The 40 year old Virgin. We Americans already know that the life presented in TV shows and movies are not representative of what real life is, even the reality shows. We are also well aware of the lack of persons of color on TV sitcoms for one and two, those who accurately portray the character of an actual person of color-American.

And so, I intend on chilling out for a bit, and taking all these comments, stares, and general reactions to my Asianness + Asian-Americanness all in stride. I want to wear down my defensive wall because it limits me and in turn prevents me from opening up to Chileans and seeing them for who they really are as well.

I, obviously, have a lot to say on this topic. More to come. I´m just too tired to continue. Chaito!